The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
