I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
pray to the hookup gods
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
