and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
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