it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
