I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Sorry my hands just texted you
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Randomize
