I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
