I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
