remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
