apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I want to be your penis for a week.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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