Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
