I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Randomize
