They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize