Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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