You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
