stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Vodka?
Forever.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
