I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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