I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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