Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
