I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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