3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
