someone owes me an orgasm
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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