Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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