2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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