I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
