Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize