After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Randomize
