i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize