Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
