i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
