You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
