She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
