Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
