no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
