My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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