So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
