I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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