i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
