saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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