Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
