Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
