Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize