u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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