listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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