420 ftw
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
