Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
