Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize