I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize