OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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