We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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