i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
