Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
The adults are the big ones right?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
