My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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