My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
