you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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