My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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