I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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