Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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