im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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