"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
