One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
