I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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