I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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