Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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