Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
